Free At Last
by K. East
Summary: This is Peter Pettigrew. This is who he is, what he is, what he'll ever be. [DH spoiler]


FREE AT LAST

_Every night in my dreams_

_I see you, I feel you_

_That is how I know you go on_

That night, there is no one to greet him. Of course there isn't – it is all over – the Dark Lord is gone and everyone thinks he is dead.

Everyone, of course, but Sirius; and he had been hauled off laughing, not with, Peter knows, madness as everyone believes – but with disbelief.

Yet all this sacrifice has amounted to nothing…

He is torn.

_Far across the distance_

_And spaces between us_

_You have come to show you go on_

James would've found it almost funny, disregarding the circumstances. He always favored Sirius or Peter living as someone's pet, and so Peter had been. Just like he wanted.

Except now it is over – the easy life. It had been so painful to see that face from human eyes…the face that is so like James. The face that was once that of an innocent babe.

_I was at your first birthday party,_ Peter wanted to say. _I helped your father meet your mother. I attended their wedding._

But he can't say anything…he's not entitled to. Not anymore.

_Near, far, wherever you are_

_I believe that the heart does go on_

_Once more you open the door_

I miss them! he wants to scream. But being who he is – living the life he has lived for so long – scares him. It sucks the idea right out of him. His heart is pulled to one side, while his mind struggles with the other.

_I am a good servant._ There was a time when he was not a servant, but a friend.

_And you're here in my heart_

_And my heart will go on and on_

And that's why he misses them. He is alone.

_Love can touch us one time_

_And last for a lifetime_

_And never let go till we're one_

He can almost see the ghost of their smiles in his eye. James, and Lily, and now Sirius. He can almost feel an ache – almost – when he thinks of those smiles – that trust – that friendship. That love.

He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, then brings the blade through his wrist, clenching his teeth, trying not to yell.

_Love was when I loved you_

_One true time I hold to_

_In my life we'll always go on_

Peter used to sacrifice for his friends, but now, all he has to give away is hate.

He can't scream, because he knows someone will hear. Yet, at the same time, he knows the Dark Lord is listening – can hear all his internal cries – knows there is a little bit of regret there and has planned ahead –

"Wormtail. Have I not spoken to you about keeping our prisoner quiet?"

The eyes are piercing him again and he scurries ahead, trying not to meet the eyes of his old teacher –

"Yes, m-my Lord."

He is condemned.

_Near, far, wherever you are_

_I believe that the heart does go on_

_Once more you open the door_

_And you're in here in my heart_

Does it hurt to see those of Slytherin look upon him like a foe?

Of course it does.

Is there ever a day when he wishes he were eleven again?

Of course there is.

But he won't alienate himself; he can't; he'll never find the strength, because all Peter's courage has been suppressed. He does not have the willpower or sense of loyalty his friends ever had.

He is imprisoned.

_And my heart will go on and on_

Today is the sixteenth anniversary of James and Lily's death. Tomorrow will be the sixteenth anniversary of Peter's alleged death.

He is clenched in pain, in regret, but he forces it down, swallows it, pushes it into the deepest corner of his heart so that he won't be able to feel it…because he is cold.

_You're here, there's nothing I fear_

_And I know that my heart will go on_

_We'll stay forever this way_

He can't stop the hand; in fact, he can't stop anything, can't stop fate – can't stop death – can't stop Voldemort. For in spite of empty promises which were made long ago, this war has taken the lives of three beautiful friends and is about to take life of a fourth, ugly-hearted one.

But at the same time, as his face turns red and his lips go blue, he realizes that his heart is not so ugly, his mind not so tainted, his soul not so scarred. In this last moment, he has done one thing he could not for seventeen years – he has acted with bravery – with decision – and in the name of Lily and James Potter, in the name of Sirius Black, in the name of Remus Lupin and Regulus Black and Alice and Frank Longbottom…in the name of Fabian and Gideon Prewett, in the name of Marlene McKinnon…in the name of every person who has been wronged by this war, he has handed over breath and blood.

This, Peter thinks, is in the name of Harry Potter.

Then he dies, and rest finally touches him…his soul settles. He is free at last.

_You are safe in my heart_

_And my heart will go on and on_


End file.
